Hole in the Wall.

Today may be the day. Sitting on the toilet and Mama still insists on using the old newspapers instead of buying normal toilet paper, like everyone else on the street. They don’t have to expose themselves to corrupt front-page politicians like our backsides do.

Are you still in there, she shouts. 

My ten minutes of solitude. I don’t even have to go, just need the space. Mind you, the curry we ate last night should kick in soon but it wasn’t nearly spicy enough. Chilli powder, not real chillies. Cheating. 

There are no new signs of decay in the wall, no debris. Not even a speck of plaster on the floor. The dark hole gapes and I wonder if this life will take a turn, for better or worse. The hole decides.

The twins are screaming murder and Mama is trying to calm them with cookies. Like dogs, they take turns in obedience. Open wide, she says. They are dumb enough to sit and sate themselves with chocolate appeasement. Mama is happy, momentarily.

Mama has never dared to stick a finger into the hole in the wall. It terrifies her and she knows it would either crush her or send her reaching for the stars. When Papa took it upon himself to enter the hole, he disappeared without a trace, or so Mama said. I still miss him but I know he will return someday. The hole had bigger plans for him and he is out there, scheming and busying himself to secure our bright future. Mama doesn’t understand and when she cries, I try to tell her that it’s all for the greater good and that she should insert her pinky into the hole. She smashes a lot of dishes and throws away perfectly good food. The twins always cry. They are always crying. Boo hoo.

The hole, adjacent to the downstairs toilet, is big enough to fit two of my fingers. I want to stay with Mama and the twins but at the same time, I want to pack my bags and hit the road. So American! I want to pack my bags and go down to the bus station and ask for a ticket to a new life. I’d like to think that the bus station employee would smile knowingly and print out a ticket to heaven. 

I know that if I dare to stick my index finger in the hole, my life will, or could, change forever. It has haunted me for months and I am so scared of the consequences it could bring. The hole determines all. My little round god. I think I will try it.